I Care About Things (And Don’t Care About Things)

bitch on twitter

Here is a list of things (ALL the things), in order by which I much I care about them and perceive their importance:

  1. Animals
  2. Science*
  3. Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter (don’t make me choose)
  4. Food
  5. Something like 0.0285714286e-8% of people

    Skipping ahead to the end:

number seven-billionish: The rest of the people, except for one
number seven-billion and one: Religion
number seven-billion and two: That one bitch on twitter

* This includes the world melting. The world is MELTING, people!

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My Racist Webcomic

TRIGGER WARNING: TRIGGER WARNING.

White guilt is a pretty terrible feeling. Fortunately, there are things you can do to be forgiven of your whiteness, so you do not need to feel guilty. If you complete this new 12-step program, you will earn a reputation as an ally! There are many benefits  to being an ally, such as: not being a bigot, moral superiority, being allowed to dominate conversations about race and social justice, and having the entire world revolve around you.

STEP 1
Get an ugly haircut. This will communicate to others that you have an important agenda.
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STEP 2:
Quickly skim through the Peggy McIntosh article from the 1980’s on privilege. It will make you uncomfortable, especially if you are pale. Use this as your doctrine.

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STEP 3:
Regurgitate a few ideas from it and admit having white privilege on Facebook. Bonus points if you also admit to being a racist.

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Already, you will begin to feel more comfortable with your whiteness.

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STEP 4:
A friend or family member on your Facebook page will likely attempt to engage you in a rational debate regarding white privilege and disagree with you.

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Oh, no! The pain!

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In response, be sure to write a 10-page comment on why they are a big giant bigot. Bonus points if you end the comment with, I am deleting you from my friends list now, goodbye. Then delete them immediately (and block them) so they never actually see your epic response, ending the discussion at once. This is the proper way to win any constructive debate and shows others your dedication to the cause.

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STEP 5:
In your fit of rage, be sure to follow up with a really long and condescending open letter entitled, Dear Privileged, White, Straight Cismen. Use language that only people who already agree with you will understand to prevent racist trolls like that asshole on Facebook from trying to interact with you. Bonus points if you point out that having white privilege isn’t something to be ashamed of, while at the same time presenting it in a way that makes it seem like the biggest sin of all time. Others need to feel as guilty as you do.

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STEP 6:
Block highways in protest and get mad at the racist commuters who find your actions annoying. This will ensure that most people are not inspired by your cause, so you have something to continue being angry about.

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STEP 7:
Let your friends know how cheap your rent is. Explain that it’s so cheap because white people are afraid of black people. This tells others that you are not racist, and also gives you some street cred points because you believe living in a predominantly black neighborhood implies to others that you live in a crime-ridden area. Then follow this by complaining about gentrification. Bonus points if you have this discussion at the coffeeshop or beer garden that just opened in your ‘hood.

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STEP 8:
Someone says something bad about your city! How dare they! Point out that it’s because there’s brown people, but present it in such a way where it makes them look like the racist and not you. Spreading the guilt makes way for progress.

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STEP 9:
Hate Halloween.

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Actually, while you’re at it, hate everything.

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STEP 10:
Another fool-proof debate strategy, which you need a lot of when the world won’t see that you’re always right: Whenever someone has the nerve to disagree with you, just call them a republican. This is always an excellent way to settle any argument and get people to shut up and go along with your opinions.

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STEP 11:
You want nothing more than to have difficult conversations about race, so make this as uncomfortable for others as possible. You, with your superior moral reasoning should be the dictator of these conversations. Speak a code language that changes weekly so that you can have as many opportunities as possible to call people out for microaggressions and bigotry. Every time you call someone a racist, a fairy gets its wings. And you get morality points!

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STEP 12:
URRRRGGGG!!!! Still no one gets it! Share this nasty, horrible, racist, misogynist, transphobic, rapist, homophobic, ableist, ageist, islamophobic, white supremacist, anti-semitic, fatphobic, bigoted webcomic you found on the internet on Facebook and have a tantrum about how you can’t believe how in this day and age, no one understands white privilege and no one listens. 😦

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Finished? Congratulations! You have passed. Now no one can possibly care that you are white. Hell, your whiteness is barely noticeable.

Still alive

I am still alive. I work for a college and with graduation coming up, I’ve just been too buried to do any webcomicing. But I promise I’m still alive and will post stuff again once the storm has calmed.

How Atheists Have Morals

One thing I’ve never understood about the hyper-religious jesus worshippers is how they have an impossible time understanding how anyone could be a moral person without believing in god. Do they mean to imply, “hypothetically”, if God wasn’t watching over them, they would just go around raping, killing, and stealing? Why would anyone want to do that? Don’t most people instinctively just want to get along?

What exactly do they think God does when you commit a sin? Does he come down and give you a ticket for it?

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Or do you go tell him all about it like he’s some kind of therapist, and the deeply understanding daddy so kindly forgives you because he loves you?

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Us godless heathens don’t have the luxury of having anyone around to forgive us, so we have to actually get it right the first time.

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Children believe in Santa Claus, and if they’re naughty they’ll get a stocking full of coal for Christmas. This sure doesn’t seem to stop them from being little terrorists. Why would having a God around be any different?

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Atheists don’t have a god to protect. So if one of us does something appalling – like abusing and molesting kids – we don’t go out of our way to cover it up for God. If a Catholic priest does the same and word gets around, the church has to go protect their god and pretend it’s not happening and destroy all the evidence. If their church subscribers found out about the horrible crimes, they might get disgusted and end up not doing the god thing anymore. Then they’d stop funding him, and then God would get sad and lonely when he starts losing followers and then he’d have to fire everyone at the church, or at least lower their salaries. Clearly, sacrificing a few kids is for the greater good, right?

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God is perhaps, the worst role model you can possibly have anyway. You really want to take moralistic advice from an egotistical gaseous Big Brother man who knocked up a teenage girl, forced her to give birth to his son, and then later, sacrificed his son because of he was pissed off at shit other people did?

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Clearly, the bigger question is, how could someone be a moral person if they get their morals from religious doctrine?

 

 

 

If Physical Illnesses Were Treated Like Mental Illnesses

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Mr. Potter did not attend work today. His reason is that he is too overtaken by depression to get out of bed and so he needs to take a sick day. Mr. Potter is lazy and uncommitted to his job. His boss will fire him in the morning because he is clearly unfit for the position.

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Sandy is unwell. She is absent from work today. She has motor neurone disease and can’t get out of bed, so she must take a sick day. Sandy is obviously an indolent deadbeat. Shame on her. Fire her in the morning.

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Miss Baker has OCD. She can’t do basic household chores without people blaming her behavior on her disease.

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Darren suffers from narcolepsy. Any time he expresses sleepiness, even at bedtime, people become alarmed because they believe it must be from his disease.

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Mrs. Gwen is taking pills to treat her lifelong social anxiety. She has been taking them for years and they seem to do the trick, with minimal side effects. Her friend, Mooncloud, who is from Santa Cruz and is considered a well-adjusted and chipper individual, objects. She says pharmaceutical companies are just trying to get her dependent on drugs and are making her sicker. Mrs. Gwen can get better with a healthy, organic diet and acupuncture. Mooncloud, with her years of experience as a certified bikram yoga instructor, is more qualified to give medical advice than Mrs. Gwen’s physician.

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Perry and Colonel Brown were out dining on a business trip. Perry explained how he has a congenital heart disorder and must take a pill before every meal otherwise his heart will stop. Colonel Brown, who is a world-renowned expert on accounting, recommends drinking a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar every twelve hours, and getting plenty of sunlight. This, he says, is a safe and effective alternative to a lifetime of medications.

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Mr. Samuels is a highly disturbed individual. Concerned he might drown himself, he traveled three miles to the west by foot, uphill, in the rain, to check himself into the town mental institution.

Mr. Peters, the Superintendent, answered the door and regretted to inform Mr. Samuels that he was not sick enough for them to admit him into their facility, and to come back after he’s already hurt himself or others.

The Samuels family was horrified to discover Daddy dead in the neighbor’s children’s pool the next morning.

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Trudy was 9 months pregnant and began having contractions. The big day has arrived! The baby’s father took her to the hospital. The doctor sent them away and told them to come back when the baby was actually coming out.

Tragically, Trudy did not survive the ordeal.

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Ms. Sanders has Bipolar II disorder. Her doctor recommends weekly cognitive behavioral therapy sessions to help her keep her symptoms under control. Her insurance won’t pay for them.

Ms. Sanders became too ill and needed to quit her job. Now she lives in a stranger’s cupboard and comes out when they are not home and eats their food. In return, she does some of their household chores before they come back. The homeowners believe their house in inhabited by a hobgoblin.

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Last year, Lawrence was diagnosed with leukemia. Insurance would not pay for the chemotherapy sessions.

In lieu of flowers, Lawrence’s family asks that you please donate to the Ulman Fund.

The Power of Logical Thinking

I wrote this for those of us with a more balanced and rational perspective on all things in life, who feel alone in a world dominated by optimists/people who are kidding themselves.

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If you’ve ever hated someone for being too positive, you’re not alone.

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If you’ve ever had a dream that you didn’t pursue because you know you don’t have the resources, support, or life situation to realistically succeed, you’re not alone.

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If you ever did successfully pursue a seemingly impossible dream and then found out your dream sucks, you’re not alone.

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If you’ve ever felt shitty when shit happens, you’re not alone.

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If you’ve ever said something stupid to someone who just received some bad news, to try and be comforting even though you know what you said isn’t helpful, but you said it anyway because you’re at a loss for words and society dictates you say something positive…you’re not alone. 

Dedicated to my fellow pessimist friend, Erin.