Evolutionary Theory for Dummies (REALLY BIG DUMMIES)

I love science! When I was little, I dreamed of being a scientist. My room was decorated with stars and planets, one of my favorite toys was a microscope, and my weekends were spent watching animals brutally murdering and raping each other on the Discovery Channel (back then, Discovery still had educational programs. I know, I’m so wicked old).


But the grown-ups would question my science aspirations and successfully talked me out of it. They said I had to be good at math to be a scientist. I was not good at math…

So when I grew up and college time came, I majored in Anthropology, which is like science, but without the math. And also without the respect, but no enlightened adults warned me about that. My concentration was biological anthropology, which is a fancy term for Darwin.

Naturally, I get really giddy whenever a new scientific breakthrough is made on the origin of our species. It happens every few months it seems. In fact, much of what I learned in college nearly a decade ago is now out-of-date. It’s exhilarating! That’s the magic of science – it is everchanging and stays fresh and exciting. There is always new knowledge to gain and new discoveries to be made.

ardiWhat I cannot stand though is how it’s impossible to have an educated conversation about the “evolution news of the day” online with fellow science geeks without a bunch of misinformed creationists (and intelligent designers, who are creationists under a new name) coming in and hijacking the thread with utter nonsense. The conversation that was once interesting quickly turns into another tiresome evolution vs. creationism debate. 

Like every other passionate person, I feel the temptation to respond to these trolls and help educate them so they don’t have to continue embarrassing themselves in the future. But there is absolutely no point in trying to have an intelligent debate with a creationist. It is like trying to play Monopoly with a 4-year-old – they rob the bank, declare victory, and run away in a manic fit of laughter. When you tell them that’s not how the game works, the kid’s like, “NOPE. My house, my rules!” There’s simply no point in trying.

Here are the best of the best of a creationist’s stupid arguments, along with the best of the best of my stupid answers in response to their stupid arguments. Enjoy.

TROLL: You’re trying to tell me we evolved from a monkey?! Now who’s the crazy one?
ME: I’m not trying to tell you we evolved from monkeys. I’m trying to tell you you were raised by monkeys.

felidae evolution

TROLL: But evolution is only a theory.
ME: You’re only a theory.

felidae evolution

TROLL: How could a world with such intricacy not have an intelligent designer?
ME: Female hyenas have penises, so unless this “intelligent” designer has a drinking problem…


TROLL: But a banana has such a perfect design for the human hand.
ME: I prefer pineapples.

cat love

TROLL: What’s the good of half a wing?
ME: Why did the Wright Brothers bother inventing such a piece of shit airplane?

cat evolving
TROLL: Evolution has never been directly observed.
ME: Oh, ok. So the flea treatment for my cats stopped working because God wants to test my cats’ faith.

cat evolvingTROLL: Were you there?
ME: We’re all made up of stardust from a big explosion billions of years ago, so yeah. And so were you.

evolved catWhat are some of your own stupid answers to stupid questions?


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