An Atheist’s Guide to Religious Phrases

Having been raised without a religion, I am honestly a complete idiot when it comes to religion. Religious people say a lot of crazy things and most of it goes over my head. It’s almost like they’re speaking a different language. Fortunately though, I majored in Anthropology in college, which gave me one valuable skill: I have the keen ability to observe people like animals. So I’ve been able to piece together the meanings of common phrases of people who live in a different world from me.

Here is a helpful dictionary I compiled for my fellow chronically perplexed atheists out there.

“God is good!”: This is how people respond after you’ve just revealed a loved one is on their deathbed.

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“Praise be!”: This is something people say when they’re floored by something.

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“G-d”: This is an odd one. I think it’s supposed to mean “God”, but people censor it. Because it’s a swear word. I guess.

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“I will pray for you!”: This is a passive aggressive way of saying “fuck you”.

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“God works in mysterious ways.”: This is something sociopaths say in response to tragedy.

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“I’m not homophobic, but…”: This is generally a phrase people use when they’re about to say something really homophobic and offensive, and then use their religion as an excuse for their bigotry.

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