Being My Parents

cats in love

When I was a kid, my parents were embarrassed by me. I don’t mean to imply they were wrong for it – I was a pretty lousy kid. Here, let me back them up –

I was a selective mute. So I didn’t talk to anyone.

selective mutism

I was a little too attached to my cats. Because I had no friends.

playing with my cats

I didn’t give into personal hygiene. Because I hated my parents.

me being filthy

I wouldn’t smile in photos. Because I hated everyone.

school portrait

I lived as a recluse in my bedroom all day with the door shut. Because everyone hated me.alone in my room

As an adult, I have found that for better or worse…I am my parents.

I am ashamed of my cats.
my cats in love

Odinn is my one-eyed witch cat and he is the chillest cat of all time. He loves strangers. He loves car rides. His favorite thing is moving and new environments. He flew with me across the country and handled it better than I did. Odinn is a cool dude and is barely passable as a courteous cat greeting a stranger at the door.

But he still is a menace.

When at the vet…

“We might have to anesthetize your cat for his ultrasound. He is WAY too feisty!”
— No, I swear! He’s the calmest, most easy-going cat! (as he spits at me, tries to rip out my veins, and turns into a fire-breathing werewolf creature)

my cat being an asshole at the vet

He knows how to eat like a normal cat, but in his old age, he prefers eating with his paw and making a giant mess on the floor.

my cat eating with his paw

He eats his own vomit.

my cat eating his own vomit

He starts drooling if you scratch his chin for too long. Then he shakes his head and the drool wraps itself around his head.

my cat drooling

And he loves it when you rub his eye socket.rubbing my cat's eye socket

Odinn is disgusting and my other cat, Moppet, is not any better. She is both gross and a simpleton.

Moppet’s sole purpose in life is to keep Odinn happy through the power of love. She does a decent enough job.
Moppet loving Odinn

No one really likes Moppet because she hides under the bed as soon as the doorbell rings. If she is ever going to come out again and act social, I need to drag her out and politely introduce her to the intruder. This is always very awkward.

introducing my cat

Once she warms up to you though, she’s an extremely affectionate cat.

Sometimes though, you don’t want her affection.

Moppet has chronic diarrhea caused by inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). She is on a special diet and various medications to control the disease, but it only helps so much — she still has her episodes.

She is a fluffy cat, so when she has diarrhea, she’ll come romping out of the litterbox completely covered in shit. Then she’ll come running over, getting shit all of the walls and furniture, and affectionately rub against anyone she now calls “friend”.my cat getting shit everywhere

People no longer want to visit us.

Like her poop problems, Moppet also has vomit problems. And she will only vomit on carpet. Much to her dismay, our current place of residence has hardwood floors. For a while, she would puke exclusively on the throw rugs. So I got rid of the throw rugs, believing I could trick her into puking on our wonderful easy-to-clean floors.

Now she pukes on the bed.

my cat puking on the bed

And I constantly have to save her ass…

Like when she trapped herself in a dresser… my cat trapped in a dresser

Or when she trapped herself behind a cabinet and needed to be sawed out….my cat trapped behind a cabinetOr when she trapped herself in a fly trap…

my cat trapped in fly paper

Even though my cats are revolting little bastards, they are still my mini muffins and I love them dearly. Yes, I am a sucker.

I suspect this is likely yet another flaw I acquired from my parents… me loving my dingbat cats


2 thoughts on “Being My Parents

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