TRIGGER WARNING: TRIGGER WARNING.
White guilt is a pretty terrible feeling. Fortunately, there are things you can do to be forgiven of your whiteness, so you do not need to feel guilty. If you complete this new 12-step program, you will earn a reputation as an ally! There are many benefits to being an ally, such as: not being a bigot, moral superiority, being allowed to dominate conversations about race and social justice, and having the entire world revolve around you.
Get an ugly haircut. This will communicate to others that you have an important agenda.
Quickly skim through the Peggy McIntosh article from the 1980’s on privilege. It will make you uncomfortable, especially if you are pale. Use this as your doctrine.
Regurgitate a few ideas from it and admit having white privilege on Facebook. Bonus points if you also admit to being a racist.
Already, you will begin to feel more comfortable with your whiteness.
A friend or family member on your Facebook page will likely attempt to engage you in a rational debate regarding white privilege and disagree with you.
Oh, no! The pain!
In response, be sure to write a 10-page comment on why they are a big giant bigot. Bonus points if you end the comment with, I am deleting you from my friends list now, goodbye. Then delete them immediately (and block them) so they never actually see your epic response, ending the discussion at once. This is the proper way to win any constructive debate and shows others your dedication to the cause.
In your fit of rage, be sure to follow up with a really long and condescending open letter entitled, Dear Privileged, White, Straight Cismen. Use language that only people who already agree with you will understand to prevent racist trolls like that asshole on Facebook from trying to interact with you. Bonus points if you point out that having white privilege isn’t something to be ashamed of, while at the same time presenting it in a way that makes it seem like the biggest sin of all time. Others need to feel as guilty as you do.
Block highways in protest and get mad at the racist commuters who find your actions annoying. This will ensure that most people are not inspired by your cause, so you have something to continue being angry about.
Let your friends know how cheap your rent is. Explain that it’s so cheap because white people are afraid of black people. This tells others that you are not racist, and also gives you some street cred points because you believe living in a predominantly black neighborhood implies to others that you live in a crime-ridden area. Then follow this by complaining about gentrification. Bonus points if you have this discussion at the coffeeshop or beer garden that just opened in your ‘hood.
Someone says something bad about your city! How dare they! Point out that it’s because there’s brown people, but present it in such a way where it makes them look like the racist and not you. Spreading the guilt makes way for progress.
Actually, while you’re at it, hate everything.
Another fool-proof debate strategy, which you need a lot of when the world won’t see that you’re always right: Whenever someone has the nerve to disagree with you, just call them a republican. This is always an excellent way to settle any argument and get people to shut up and go along with your opinions.
You want nothing more than to have difficult conversations about race, so make this as uncomfortable for others as possible. You, with your superior moral reasoning should be the dictator of these conversations. Speak a code language that changes weekly so that you can have as many opportunities as possible to call people out for microaggressions and bigotry. Every time you call someone a racist, a fairy gets its wings. And you get morality points!
URRRRGGGG!!!! Still no one gets it! Share this nasty, horrible, racist, misogynist, transphobic, rapist, homophobic, ableist, ageist, islamophobic, white supremacist, anti-semitic, fatphobic, bigoted webcomic you found on the internet on Facebook and have a tantrum about how you can’t believe how in this day and age, no one understands white privilege and no one listens. 😦
Finished? Congratulations! You have passed. Now no one can possibly care that you are white. Hell, your whiteness is barely noticeable.